Poem

I know I already posted today but wanted to share this poem I wrote. I submitted it to our class newsletter so it might be published later this week :)

Cadaver Experience

I never thought that death

Could be such a part of life

And learning

A person’s choice

To dedicate their body

Has allowed me to learn

And appreciate

The human form

Nervous at first

Unsure of the sights and smells

I have learned to appreciate the gift

The sacrifice

This person I never knew in life

Has become my greatest teacher

I cut and tear

Touch and feel

Each part of her body

As I struggle to learn the name

Of each muscle, nerve and vessel

But sometimes I pause

And realize

This woman had a life just like me

She had a family

She had dreams

She had desires

Now all that remains is her body

But this body is a gift

Because it is allowing me

To pursue my dream, my desire

To become a doctor

To help others

And for that, I am grateful

I never thought that death

Could be such a part of my life

And my learning

My future intimately connected with someone’s end.

My Passion

This post is long overdue! Exams were crazy and left me in a sleep deprived state that I have finally recovered from. I passed Histology and am still waiting on my Anatomy scores.

I have a ton of chores to get done while hubby is at work but first I wanted to take a moment to update my blog.

I was checking my facebook this morning and found myself thinking about what defines a person. It seems like a leap from looking at simple status updates and picture uploads but I realized that there are a few people in my life who are really passionate about certain things and it shows through on my news feed. I have a friend who runs a cake business (and is really good at it!). Almost all of her updates are about her cakes and it is obvious how much time she puts into it and how much she enjoys what she does. I have another friend who is very involved in anything to do with human rights. She goes to protests and monitors the news for stories of mistreated persons, often sharing them on her page. My dad is soon moving to Haiti to be a missionary at an orphanage/medical center. His posts are always about the kids there, finding sponsors for himself or prayer requests for people he knows are hurting (he also writes updates about my brothers and I since he loves us so much!). My point is, anyone could look at these pages and know what these people are passionate about. It makes me wonder what I am portraying my passion to be.

My updates are usually about medical school or my migraines. Now, I really like to keep people updated on what is happening in my life because I know that my family and friends are interested and concerned for me but I don't want to be known as the person who can only talk about her pain and studies. Yuck. What a boring person and not that much fun to be around. Now, I know facebook does not define who someone is and I know I am much more than my studies and migraines but thinking about it has really got me wondering: what is my passion?

I know I want to "help people" but lets be honest, that is a vague wish. It is impossible to help everyone so I know I need to find that one thing that really inspires me and concentrate on that. I spent Saturday morning in the student-run clinic which serves uninsured people, I loved it. But I also loved my time working with HIV positive teens and am looking forward to Tuesday when I will volunteer at a local high school, teaching students about HIV and other STIs. I am hoping to spend a couple weeks with my dad in Haiti this summer and have no doubt I will enjoy every minute of that experience as well. Everyday I see homeless people in my area and wonder how I can help them. The list goes on.

For now, I think I can explore each of these interests and enjoy each experience but I know that at some point I will have to define my passion for "people" into a more specific group. As a doctor I will end up serving a certain population and that will become the core of my passion. That doesn't mean from time to time I won't help someone outside that defined group. I know my passion for humanity as a whole will never fade. I just wonder sometimes which direction my life will take. Which small population of all those who need help will I end up serving? I have plenty of time to figure it out and it is nothing to really worry about, but is something I ponder none the less.

What is your passion?

Division of my time

I have exams next week (eek!). Histology/Embryology on Tuesday and Anatomy on Wednesday. I always find it so hard to balance my time leading up to exams. Not only do I have to find time for eating, sleeping and seeing hubby; I also have to decide how much time to spend on each subject.

I really need to study anatomy more, but don't want to blow off histology. I need to pass both classes, obiously, and got a 90% on the first Histology exam so am in no real danger of failing (while Anatomy continues to kick my but and I need at least a 73 on each of the next exams to pass). Now I realize 73 might not seem so bad but let me tell you, medical school anatomy is HARD!!

I have tried making schedules to study by but certain (read: MOST) sections end up taking me longer than the "alloted" time and I get so frustrated. Luckily, my migraines have been holding off these last few days so I have needed less time carved out for sleep than usual. I am trying to just get through each section and take the time I need but I am so afraid of running out of time to study that it stresses me out.

So much to do, so much to memorize and literally not enough time to do it. Now it is just about going on and learning as much as possible. (and hoping that "much as possible" is what is on the exam!)

By the end of medical school I should be excellent at balancing/managing my time. Good practice for having kids maybe?

Visiting with my brother

This will be a short post because I am hoping to get to bed soon (lots of school work tomorrow!)

I got to spend the last couple days with my brother Brandyn. He is in the marines so I don't get to see him very often. (He did surprise me at my wedding but that is a story for another day.)

Anyway, we had to spend a lot of our time doing required things. I had class and doctors appointments. We had to go to the tire store for him and the car ran out of gas at one point so I had to wait while he ran to the gas station. Overall though we had a great time through it all.

It is funny. Growing up my brothers annoyed the crap out of me. Actually sometimes they were even mean to me by calling me names and such (don't all little brothers do that though). Now, I miss them so much! We are all in different cities so I get to see the two who are farthests away 2 or 3 times a year and my youngest brother a little more since he is just 40 min from me and I pick him up on the weekends I go home to see my parents.

It makes me realize how important our time with the ones we love is. It sounds corny but it is true. I look forward to seeing my "baby" brothers much more than I ever thought I would.

Guess this post is just to say how much I love my brothers. We went through a lot growing up and had our moments where we hated each other. But now, I am proud of the people we are growing to be and am glad I have a good realationship with each of them. I hope I can always remember how important family is!

Bad Blood

Today as part of a program I am involved with at school I went to a screening of "Bad Blood: A Cautionary Tale". It is a documentary about how Hep A, B, C and HIV virus got into the blood supply (and blood products), infecting thousands of hemophiliacs (and others) who used these products.

The movie had me in tears. I had known that this problem existed (having worked in the HIV community) but had no idea before watching this documentary how long it took the government and drug companies to react. Had more attention been paid and had the drug companies been willing to pay more to make their products safer, thousands of infetions and deaths could have been prevented.

It is a fear of mine that our society's obsession with money will keep me from being all I want to be as a doctor. My compassion is for people and I hope to spend my life serving the underserved (be they underserved in terms of employment, insurance or something else). However, I will have a family to care for, bills to pay and loan payments to make (Medical school is EXPENSIVE). So, while I may wish to spend my time really getting to know my patients and helping them the best way I can by including both treatment and preventative education in my visits the question is: Will I be able to afford to do this?

Most people don't realize this but when doctors bill insurance companies for their patients' visits they do not bill for their time, they bill for a diagnosis. This means a doctor who diagnoses hypertension (high blood pressure) and spends one minute writing a prescription and one who spends an hour going over diet and exercise options, get paid the same amount of money for that visit!! And many in this country don't even have health insurance so that is a whole issue in itself.

Yes, there are government and private funded clinics for the uninsured but there are few compared to the number of for profit hospitals and offices in our country. Not only that, doctors who work in these clinics are paid less (by necessity) than those who work in other places. And yet, these doctors are still responsible to make at least 10 years of loan payments. Medical school is expensive whether you attend a state or private school (as an in-state student I will be about $230,000 in debt by the time I graduate, not including interest assesed while I am in school). Costs vary from state to state but the point is that doctors owe the government for their education and they have to pay it back and support their families at the same time.

I am still determined to be the best doctor I can once I graduate school. I don't know if I will find work in a government sponsored or private setting but I will find ways to treat my patients with the respect they deserve. If I can't afford to give a patient a whole hour, I will give them the time I can and address their needs in the best way I know how. I am determined not to simply write prescriptions and send people on their way. I want my patients to feel as if they have a doctor who truely cares abou them. Most of all, I will do my part to help change the system. I will be honest, I don't know enough about the Health Care Bill and am determined to find out more about it so I can make my own judgements on its good and bad aspects. If there is a petition I can sign or somewhere I can speak out for patient rights I will do it. Sure, I will still have to pay my loans and support my family but I will not let my need for money compromise who I am as a person or as a physician.

Yes, it sounds idealistic, but I hold onto the thought that if one person is dedicated to their passion, they can make a difference.

About Me

I will be honest, this is not the first blog I have started. I have tried a hobby blog, a "thoughts on life" blog, a weight loss blog and probably a couple others I am forgetting.

I post for a while and then stop. Life gets busy, I get bored, I feel like I have nothing interesting to say or a combination of the above things. But somehow, I always end up back, starting another blog and hoping to stay with it! I love to write and I love the idea of people reading what I write and actually being interested in the things I have to say. Hopefully this time I will stick with it. Part of the plan is to not write about just one part of my life. I am hoping that by including all parts of myself in this blog I will never get bored or run out of things to say. I also hope that someone, somewhere will find what I have to say interesting! (Multiple someones would also be appreciated.)

For this first post I will include just the basics about myself:

I am 23 years old, newly married and living in Dearborn, MI (a suburb of Detroit). I am currently enrolled in Wayne State University School of Medicine after earning an undergraduate degree in Biology and taking a year off to work as an advocate for HIV positive youth. My dream is to specialize in Family Medicine and serve as a Primary Care Physician to some sort of underserved population. Photography is a hobby of mine, though I don't have much time for it these days. I am overweight and trying to lose about 100 pounds over the next 1 or 2 years, I also have OCD and suffer from frequent migraines. I am quiet at first but funny and loud once you get to know me. My family is complicated and will take a whole post to describe at some later date. I love animals and right now my pets include 2 cats, a conure (small parrot) and a fish.

That will have to do for now. I need to finish my lunch and go to anatomy lab (abdominal dissection today!)