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So, I have not been posting as often as I would like. Partly because I have been kind of busy with school and partly because I don't have much to say. Things are kind of bad here in my little piece of paradise. Problems with the hubby and such. Not something I want to get into here but in the off chance anyone is actually reading this wanted to give you a little explaination.

I am hoping to get back into the blogging mood soon. I know I could post about a lot of things if I made the time. Guess I am going to use this week to try to get caught up on school things and focus on my marriage. In between there I will try to come up with some blog ideas and I hope to be back to blogging 2 or 3 times a week soon. If I do have any readers out there I hope you will be patient!

Christmas Time

Christmas season is here again. It seems it comes earlier and earlier each year. For stores it is probably about the money but for me I get excited because it means time with family. This year will be even more special because my dad will be home after over a month in Haiti (he is working there as a missionary) and my brother will be on leave from the marines (he was not able to take time off for Thanksgiving).

My dad asked if the hubby and I will do Christmas at our place so we will have a full house but I am sure everyone will have a great time.

We already have the tree set up and I am so excited because it is my first real tree! It smells so good and we only paid $35 for it. We always used artificially trees growing up which never bothered me but I am excited to have a real one this year, I just hope it lasts until Christmas! We have been trying to remember to water it everyday and so far so good.

The other night Eddie and I just sat in the living room looking at the tree and listening to Christmas music. It was really quiet and nice. We don't get to spend a ton of time together with me in school and him working so I really enjoy the times we do have.

Looking forward to all the good will that this time of year brings out in people. Hopefully people can remember to spread that around all year long as well!

How do you measure a year?

I was looking back at some things I had written in years past trying to find some inspiration for a blog post. I found the following written on July 5, 2008. I would like to think that I try to remember this inspiration and live my life based on what I wrote so many years ago. However, I know that I can always strive to do better. Here is that original posting word for word because I think I said it so well back then and need to re-visit these thoughts and remember what makes my life worth living:

"Last night I was at the fireworks with some friends and as I sat there watching the colorful display I couldn't help but think about last 4th of July. Where I was, who I was with from last year to this was all different. This got me thinking about how fast a year has gone by and what I had done with my life in that year.

Later we watched Rent at my apartment and as I listened to the opening song I thought about this again but in a slightly different light. Here are the lyrics for those who aren't familiar with the movie:

Seasons of Love

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Moments so dear
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure - Measure A Year?
In Daylights - In Sunsets
In Midnights - In Cups Of Coffee
In Inches - In Miles
In Laughter - In Strife

In - Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure
A Year In The Life?

How About Love?
How About Love?
How About Love?
Measure In Love

Seasons of Love.
Seasons of Love.

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Journeys To Plan

Five Hundred Twenty-Five Thousand
Six Hundred Minutes
How Do You Measure The Life
Of A Woman Or A Man

In Truths That She Learned
Or In Times That He Cried
In Bridges He Burned
Or The Way That She Died

It's Time Now - To Sing Out
Though The Story Never Ends
Let's Celebrate
Remember A Year In The Life Of Friends

Remember the Love
Remember the Love
Remember the Love
Measure In Love

Oh you got to you got to remember the love,
You know that love is a gift from up above
Share love, give love, spread love
Measure, measure your life in love.

Seasons Of Love(2x)

Measure your life, measure your life in love



Often I think we have a tendency to measure the success and worth of our lives in terms of accomplishments or who we associate ourselves with. While these things can be important I think people, myself included, sometimes forget that at times the smaller things in our lives speak at much higher volumes than the big things. We are more likely to be remembered and appreciated by others for how we treat those around us than the large goals we set and meet for ourselves.

That's not to say that goals aren't important. I myself am a very goal oriented person and will remain so for the rest of my life. However, what if I simply "measured my life in love?". Would that be such a bad thing? I don't think so.

One of my favorite Bible verses is 1st Corinthians 13:13 which says: "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

For Christians I think we often get caught up in the "rules and regulations" of our faith and begin to think that doing or not doing certain things is what makes our lives worthwhile. And for those of any religion we, as humans, may simply get caught up in what society defines as greatness. But if we each took time to simply look around and be receptive to the needs of others how much better would the world be? If we really did measure the bulk of our life in love and what we did to better the world and included our material goals and aspirations as a small addition to this I think maybe our lives would seem more complete. "

Post 3: Medical School

With all the stress that has been going on finishing up this last unit of Anatomy I never thought I would be making a post about how I am thankful, truely thankful, for medical school.

However, this morning I have been printing out the last of my summaries and planning on what I want to study this last day before my exam and it hit me: I am almost done with my first semester/quarter/whatever they call it of medical school. It is amazing to think I am about to take this step. A small one on this long journey, but a step none the less and one I have worked very hard for.

Sometimes I have to take a moment to realize how truely lucky I am to be here. A lot of people apply to medical school, a lot don't get in. I have been given a chance to fulfill my dreams and it is not something I should take lightly. Sometimes I am stressed to the max and sometimes I don't have time for all the things I want to do, but at the end of the day I know I am working towards a goal and it will all be worth it.

Sound cheesy? Maybe. But that doesn't stop it from being true.

I am hoping that once I have these first classes out of the way and am confident in my abilities to pass I will be able to explore other opportunities Wayne State has to offer. I have volunteered at the student-run clinic and helped to feed the homeless, but I am hoping to find the time to do these things more often. I am volunteering at the end of the month to do STI/HIV education in a local high school. Just being a student opens so many doors for me, I just have to be willing to try new things.

So while Detroit may not be the most safe or beautiful city, I am truely thankful to be a medical student in this city! 

What I am Thankful For, Post 2: Pets

I love my pets!

I don't want to sound like a crazy person but for a two bedroom apartment we have a full house: two people, two cats, one conure and one fish. I would even have more pets if we could but I am aware that would classify me as crazy. For now we have reached our capacity and while my pets do drive me crazy at times (well, all except the fish), I would not give them up for the world.

There is something special about animals that I think only pet owners understand. They each have such a unique personality and a way of providing such great companionship. I can no longer eat, sleep or even shower without one or more furry/feathered creatures wanting to be with me.

It is hard to stay grumpy in our household as one of the cats always manages to make a toy out of something in the garbage and go running around like something possesed. The bird likes to randomly fly from his cage to the bedroom and while he has not learned any words, he makes sounds that sound exactly like a chicken to let us know when he is happy. No matter what kind of day I have had I know that when I come home I will have my pets there to greet me and sit in my lap. Wanted to be petted and played with all while purring and chirping (sometimes meowing and squaking instead).

I consider them a blessing and always will!

Picture Post

Photography has been a hobby of mine for a few years now. I have not had much time for it since starting medical school though! Just thought I would post a few of my favorites from years past (kind of a cop out since I don't have time to write a long post today!!)

What I am Thankful For: Day 1

Yes, I am going to be one of those people. I know we should all reflect about what we are thankful for throughout the year but November seems to bring that out in people with Thanksgiving just around the corner. I am not going to make every blog this month about what I am thankful for but am going to try to make a handful of them.

Today I am thankful for our house. Well, our condo/apartment. I am truely thankful that as a newly wed couple my husband and I are able to live on our own fairly comfortably. I know many are not so lucky with the current state of the economy. While I love my family I am glad we do not have to live with them. I know this would put undue stress on all relationships involved. It is nice to visit my family when I have the time but to be the independent adult that I want to be.

I have a special soft spot for the homeless. I can not imagine what it is like to not have a place to call home and it saddens me to see people on the side of the road, cold and hungry. It does not matter to me how they got there, I feel bad for them and always wish I could help. On Thursday I am going with a campus group to feed lunch to some homeless around our Detroit campus. I hope it will be a fullfilling experience and make me more thankful for all I have in my life.

Honeymoon Envy

I don't consider myself a jealous person. For the most part I really enjoy my life and the direction it is taking. I don't want for much. Sure, having some more money might be nice but I am in school and my husband and I make due with what we have and that is that. There is one thing I am insanely and irrationally jealous of though: people who get nice honeymoon's.

It seems like everyone I know who has gotten married recently got to go somewhere warm and fun. Even my friend who has a baby managed to save up the money and vacation time to take a week long honeymoon to St. Lucia. My husband and I: went camping for three nights in Holly, MI. This included a trip to the Flint, MI mall where our car keys were stollen while we enjoyed the arcade. My dad had to come and take me to our apartment in Detroit to get the extra set of keys while my new husband sat by our car in the parking lot for 2+ hours. On top of this, it rained most of the weekend and our cabin had no heat and a door that did not lock. The whole experience was unromantic to say the least. And yet, we still managed to have fun (and to even laugh about the whole thing later).

I feel blessed to be with someone who makes me laugh everyday and who laughs at my jokes and antics as unfunny as they may be at times. We had a beautiful wedding and have a family who loves us and supports our union. We are able to afford to live on our own while I go to graduate school and he works two part time jobs. Our life is good and we are good for each other. I am grateful. And yet.....

I find myself staring at my friend's honeymoon pictures with jealousy. How I wish we could have had that fairy tale experience. I keep telling myself that maybe we can do it for an anniversary trip but seeing as we live paycheck to paycheck right now and want to have kids once I am out of school I don't know if it will ever happen. I am sure I will get over it eventually. And to be honest, I am fond of our strange mini-moon story in a way only my husband (and maybe father who rescued us) can understand. I am lucky enough to have found that person who I am still happy to wake up next to everyday and I hope that feeling lasts for many, many years to come. I know deep down a fancy honeymoon would not have changed anything, but who doesn't like warm weather and room service?

Poem

I know I already posted today but wanted to share this poem I wrote. I submitted it to our class newsletter so it might be published later this week :)

Cadaver Experience

I never thought that death

Could be such a part of life

And learning

A person’s choice

To dedicate their body

Has allowed me to learn

And appreciate

The human form

Nervous at first

Unsure of the sights and smells

I have learned to appreciate the gift

The sacrifice

This person I never knew in life

Has become my greatest teacher

I cut and tear

Touch and feel

Each part of her body

As I struggle to learn the name

Of each muscle, nerve and vessel

But sometimes I pause

And realize

This woman had a life just like me

She had a family

She had dreams

She had desires

Now all that remains is her body

But this body is a gift

Because it is allowing me

To pursue my dream, my desire

To become a doctor

To help others

And for that, I am grateful

I never thought that death

Could be such a part of my life

And my learning

My future intimately connected with someone’s end.

My Passion

This post is long overdue! Exams were crazy and left me in a sleep deprived state that I have finally recovered from. I passed Histology and am still waiting on my Anatomy scores.

I have a ton of chores to get done while hubby is at work but first I wanted to take a moment to update my blog.

I was checking my facebook this morning and found myself thinking about what defines a person. It seems like a leap from looking at simple status updates and picture uploads but I realized that there are a few people in my life who are really passionate about certain things and it shows through on my news feed. I have a friend who runs a cake business (and is really good at it!). Almost all of her updates are about her cakes and it is obvious how much time she puts into it and how much she enjoys what she does. I have another friend who is very involved in anything to do with human rights. She goes to protests and monitors the news for stories of mistreated persons, often sharing them on her page. My dad is soon moving to Haiti to be a missionary at an orphanage/medical center. His posts are always about the kids there, finding sponsors for himself or prayer requests for people he knows are hurting (he also writes updates about my brothers and I since he loves us so much!). My point is, anyone could look at these pages and know what these people are passionate about. It makes me wonder what I am portraying my passion to be.

My updates are usually about medical school or my migraines. Now, I really like to keep people updated on what is happening in my life because I know that my family and friends are interested and concerned for me but I don't want to be known as the person who can only talk about her pain and studies. Yuck. What a boring person and not that much fun to be around. Now, I know facebook does not define who someone is and I know I am much more than my studies and migraines but thinking about it has really got me wondering: what is my passion?

I know I want to "help people" but lets be honest, that is a vague wish. It is impossible to help everyone so I know I need to find that one thing that really inspires me and concentrate on that. I spent Saturday morning in the student-run clinic which serves uninsured people, I loved it. But I also loved my time working with HIV positive teens and am looking forward to Tuesday when I will volunteer at a local high school, teaching students about HIV and other STIs. I am hoping to spend a couple weeks with my dad in Haiti this summer and have no doubt I will enjoy every minute of that experience as well. Everyday I see homeless people in my area and wonder how I can help them. The list goes on.

For now, I think I can explore each of these interests and enjoy each experience but I know that at some point I will have to define my passion for "people" into a more specific group. As a doctor I will end up serving a certain population and that will become the core of my passion. That doesn't mean from time to time I won't help someone outside that defined group. I know my passion for humanity as a whole will never fade. I just wonder sometimes which direction my life will take. Which small population of all those who need help will I end up serving? I have plenty of time to figure it out and it is nothing to really worry about, but is something I ponder none the less.

What is your passion?

Division of my time

I have exams next week (eek!). Histology/Embryology on Tuesday and Anatomy on Wednesday. I always find it so hard to balance my time leading up to exams. Not only do I have to find time for eating, sleeping and seeing hubby; I also have to decide how much time to spend on each subject.

I really need to study anatomy more, but don't want to blow off histology. I need to pass both classes, obiously, and got a 90% on the first Histology exam so am in no real danger of failing (while Anatomy continues to kick my but and I need at least a 73 on each of the next exams to pass). Now I realize 73 might not seem so bad but let me tell you, medical school anatomy is HARD!!

I have tried making schedules to study by but certain (read: MOST) sections end up taking me longer than the "alloted" time and I get so frustrated. Luckily, my migraines have been holding off these last few days so I have needed less time carved out for sleep than usual. I am trying to just get through each section and take the time I need but I am so afraid of running out of time to study that it stresses me out.

So much to do, so much to memorize and literally not enough time to do it. Now it is just about going on and learning as much as possible. (and hoping that "much as possible" is what is on the exam!)

By the end of medical school I should be excellent at balancing/managing my time. Good practice for having kids maybe?

Visiting with my brother

This will be a short post because I am hoping to get to bed soon (lots of school work tomorrow!)

I got to spend the last couple days with my brother Brandyn. He is in the marines so I don't get to see him very often. (He did surprise me at my wedding but that is a story for another day.)

Anyway, we had to spend a lot of our time doing required things. I had class and doctors appointments. We had to go to the tire store for him and the car ran out of gas at one point so I had to wait while he ran to the gas station. Overall though we had a great time through it all.

It is funny. Growing up my brothers annoyed the crap out of me. Actually sometimes they were even mean to me by calling me names and such (don't all little brothers do that though). Now, I miss them so much! We are all in different cities so I get to see the two who are farthests away 2 or 3 times a year and my youngest brother a little more since he is just 40 min from me and I pick him up on the weekends I go home to see my parents.

It makes me realize how important our time with the ones we love is. It sounds corny but it is true. I look forward to seeing my "baby" brothers much more than I ever thought I would.

Guess this post is just to say how much I love my brothers. We went through a lot growing up and had our moments where we hated each other. But now, I am proud of the people we are growing to be and am glad I have a good realationship with each of them. I hope I can always remember how important family is!

Bad Blood

Today as part of a program I am involved with at school I went to a screening of "Bad Blood: A Cautionary Tale". It is a documentary about how Hep A, B, C and HIV virus got into the blood supply (and blood products), infecting thousands of hemophiliacs (and others) who used these products.

The movie had me in tears. I had known that this problem existed (having worked in the HIV community) but had no idea before watching this documentary how long it took the government and drug companies to react. Had more attention been paid and had the drug companies been willing to pay more to make their products safer, thousands of infetions and deaths could have been prevented.

It is a fear of mine that our society's obsession with money will keep me from being all I want to be as a doctor. My compassion is for people and I hope to spend my life serving the underserved (be they underserved in terms of employment, insurance or something else). However, I will have a family to care for, bills to pay and loan payments to make (Medical school is EXPENSIVE). So, while I may wish to spend my time really getting to know my patients and helping them the best way I can by including both treatment and preventative education in my visits the question is: Will I be able to afford to do this?

Most people don't realize this but when doctors bill insurance companies for their patients' visits they do not bill for their time, they bill for a diagnosis. This means a doctor who diagnoses hypertension (high blood pressure) and spends one minute writing a prescription and one who spends an hour going over diet and exercise options, get paid the same amount of money for that visit!! And many in this country don't even have health insurance so that is a whole issue in itself.

Yes, there are government and private funded clinics for the uninsured but there are few compared to the number of for profit hospitals and offices in our country. Not only that, doctors who work in these clinics are paid less (by necessity) than those who work in other places. And yet, these doctors are still responsible to make at least 10 years of loan payments. Medical school is expensive whether you attend a state or private school (as an in-state student I will be about $230,000 in debt by the time I graduate, not including interest assesed while I am in school). Costs vary from state to state but the point is that doctors owe the government for their education and they have to pay it back and support their families at the same time.

I am still determined to be the best doctor I can once I graduate school. I don't know if I will find work in a government sponsored or private setting but I will find ways to treat my patients with the respect they deserve. If I can't afford to give a patient a whole hour, I will give them the time I can and address their needs in the best way I know how. I am determined not to simply write prescriptions and send people on their way. I want my patients to feel as if they have a doctor who truely cares abou them. Most of all, I will do my part to help change the system. I will be honest, I don't know enough about the Health Care Bill and am determined to find out more about it so I can make my own judgements on its good and bad aspects. If there is a petition I can sign or somewhere I can speak out for patient rights I will do it. Sure, I will still have to pay my loans and support my family but I will not let my need for money compromise who I am as a person or as a physician.

Yes, it sounds idealistic, but I hold onto the thought that if one person is dedicated to their passion, they can make a difference.

About Me

I will be honest, this is not the first blog I have started. I have tried a hobby blog, a "thoughts on life" blog, a weight loss blog and probably a couple others I am forgetting.

I post for a while and then stop. Life gets busy, I get bored, I feel like I have nothing interesting to say or a combination of the above things. But somehow, I always end up back, starting another blog and hoping to stay with it! I love to write and I love the idea of people reading what I write and actually being interested in the things I have to say. Hopefully this time I will stick with it. Part of the plan is to not write about just one part of my life. I am hoping that by including all parts of myself in this blog I will never get bored or run out of things to say. I also hope that someone, somewhere will find what I have to say interesting! (Multiple someones would also be appreciated.)

For this first post I will include just the basics about myself:

I am 23 years old, newly married and living in Dearborn, MI (a suburb of Detroit). I am currently enrolled in Wayne State University School of Medicine after earning an undergraduate degree in Biology and taking a year off to work as an advocate for HIV positive youth. My dream is to specialize in Family Medicine and serve as a Primary Care Physician to some sort of underserved population. Photography is a hobby of mine, though I don't have much time for it these days. I am overweight and trying to lose about 100 pounds over the next 1 or 2 years, I also have OCD and suffer from frequent migraines. I am quiet at first but funny and loud once you get to know me. My family is complicated and will take a whole post to describe at some later date. I love animals and right now my pets include 2 cats, a conure (small parrot) and a fish.

That will have to do for now. I need to finish my lunch and go to anatomy lab (abdominal dissection today!)