Hurt

I think it is kind of rude when people say they are sorry first and then do something anyway but unfortunately I am going to be one of those people today. There is a chance this post will offend some people and for that I am sorry, but I need to get some things of my chest.

I am aware that everything posted on the internet is painfully permanent so I will refrain from airing any specific dirty laundry. I'll just say that my dad and step mom got divorced. They fought a lot and couldn't work it out. The details and no one's business but their own. However, I ended up caught in the middle and I hate it.

I don't want to take sides. Both parties were wrong about different things they did; it is the same with almost any break-up. Just because my step mom isn't my "real" mom doesn't mean that is doesn't feel like I am choosing between my parents. My dad and her married when I was in middle school. That means I lived with her and her kids half of the time for almost all of my teenage years. The years where you fight with almost everyone but also the years where you mature and grow up. I didn't always get along with my step mom and step siblings but they were my family.

When my mom and dad got divorced it had no effect on how their families felt about me and my brothers. I now had two families instead of one who did not blend with each other except at school events and baptisms. I think many children of divorced parents have the same experience.

The same has not been true with this divorce. I try to believe that my step mom's family still cares about me but the truth remains that things are just different now. I get that they don't like my dad but I feel like these feelings have awkwardly extended to me. I feel as if all that made me their family was that piece of paper between my dad and step mom and now that it is gone we don't know how to act around each other. No blood ties us so what should we do? I don't mean to imply total guilt anywhere it is just hard to explain how it feels. I was out of the house when this divorce started. It was finalized after I was already married and started a life on my own. It shouldn't effect me so much, but it does.

It does because this is my family. We came together in an awkward way (what are blended families but awkward anyway), but we made it work. I formed true relationships with my step family and now they are strained. Some still talk to me once on a while and some don't talk to me at all. I don't know the solution. I don't even know what I want from writing this.

I guess I just want an outlet and for all my family to know (mom's side, dad's side, step mom's side): I do love you. I want to have good relationships with all my family members. It is complicated right now but I hope it gets easier.